The mind is a constant balance between emotion and lateral thinking

I can't stand the winter. Makes me all depressed and angry all the time. I just can't wait until summer. I want to be sunburnt and hanging out with all my friends everday, where the only thing I have to worry about is going to sleep early enough to wake up for work.

I haven't been up to much lately. Trying to keep myself busy to stay sane. With my parents around all the time it's pretty challenging. Now that Mase and Hughes are gone until spring there's hardly anything to do. Yesterday I hung out with Curt all day. His Mom hasn't changed a bit haha.

Now that it's snowing maybe I'll go for a ride since it looks so cool out. Hopefully it keeps up so I miss class tomorrow.

Summer since July has been....ehh. Actually that's been the whole summer. All ehh. This summer's been so boring it feels like it hasn't even begun, nevermind being over. I've gotten pretty good at disc, in the absence of anything to do. I only went back to NB a few times this summer. Last weekend was the first time since June. I didn't go home at all during July. Going back home last weekend made me miss everyone even more, since I know summer is winding down and we're all heading off to school soon. I saw Brit, Shannon, Mason and Hughes. I haven't seen Colton in forever, but he'll be around town next year anyhow. Hughes I won't see for a long fucking time, and the other 3 will be off in western mass. Yesterday I went to the Olive Garden with Brit and Shannon. I always have fun with those 2. The last 2 real close friends I have from our old group. They're the only one's I really can let my guard down around when I'm with. I'm going to miss them the most. Curt I saw a few weeks ago, and he's changed a lot. Elena I haven't talked to in a long time, she may as well not exist, not that we have any bad blood between us. Jenn I haven't seen since she was pissed at me back in June, but whatever, I get the feeling I won't be hearing from either of them for a long time. I guess time needs to just work everything out. By winter break everyone will be glad to see each other again. Maybe we can all pick up from there.

I don't think I've actually seen anyone admit that they're afraid of going off to school, but I'm afraid. Not of meeting new people or being somewhere new, but afraid that everyone I've ever been close with is going to go off in their separate direction. I'm afraid I'll never see some of my best friends again. I've never been too good at getting over relationships, or moving on, or whatever, and I don't think I'll be starting now. I don't want to lose anymore friends this year. I've lost too many already.

So I just got home from orientation today. I'm pretty much dead tired. Due partly to me not getting enough sleep on monday or tuesday night, then staying up late and playing cards last night. We had to wake up early today also. All in all I pretty much am so tired I can't think straight and am having a hard time remembering what I did before orientation.

Uhhhh. Yeah forth of July and stuff. Fireworks. Went on bikerides through my golf course which was enjoible. I left wednesday for orientation, it was strange considering I knew absolutely no one at all, but there were a few cool people in our group. Highlights were the crazy asian kid that me and Andrew gave a buck each to eat a bunch of condiments mixed with mashed potatos. Playing poker for 2 hours straight then getting so tired that I went all in on a 5 and 4 off suit. Andrew ended up winning all $60. Our OL(orientation leader) didn't know what charades was. She's big and black and from Boston. She goes, "In Boston we don't play charades. We play drive by." They had some dumb game show type thing. Where you punch answers in on a remote. It was strange. We sort of gave up half way through, but the people in our orientation group ended up winning the $200 prize. Our orientation was themed after monopoly, and we were the race cars. Pretty queer, but if it wasn't so retarded it wouldn't have been entertaining. Fun stuff. I'm tired. Nap time.

Rode around lakeside stoned off my ass the other day. So much fun. It was like being a little kid again. Out exploring. So nice. Been shitty weather lately. I hope it gets better. Rain tomorrow though :(. Oh well. Tomorrow I think I'll give someone a call I usually don't hang out with.

Haahhahahah good times. Good times.

So where are we? I want to find out. I want to understand the wacky world and it's twisted ironies. Why do things turn out the way they do? A year ago I was smiling joyfully without a care in the world, but now a years gone by and I'm struggling. I'm better, stronger, than before. Not depressed. Not angry. Happy, but still lacking something. Maybe it's just because things are screwed up beyond my control. Maybe because those I had cared about had made choices that I don't particularly care for. Maybe because there's been a huge transition in who I call my true friends. Maybe it's because I can't stand hating people. I know one thing for certain, I'm happy for not being in love anymore, and it feels wonderful. I can make eye contact without any sudden pains. I can say words in fluid motion without halting myself because it conjures up a bad memory. I can honestly say I don't care for you anymore, and not have to lie to myself. How liberating. (We're still friends somewhat and have fun hanging out, but don't fuck it up and I promise I won't.)

With the older crowd everything is based on assumptions and I hate that fact with a passion, but I don't see anyone telling me the truth about anything, so maybe that's the way it has to be. If that's the way it is though, we are doomed. Doomed to fail in any types of relationships. We've been failing all along, and it's because of the lies. Lie more, fail more. Your choice.

Lying to me is the worst thing you could ever do to me. It gets me ripshit. I don't forget lies, I don't forgive lies, and I'll hold it against you until you redeem yourself. I haven't seen too much redeeming.

I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm happy, I'm becoming a better person. All at the same time. I have those friends who have always been true to me to help me along. I appreciate that a lot. I just wish I had met them before I met the compulsive lying crew. Excuse me, the compulsively dishonest crew. It doesn't take a lie to be a liar. Everyone's a liar.

So graduation was good, Opgrad was good. Everything is good, but it could be better. I was a little down when I realised that, well, I won't see most people ever again considering I'm out of town for the summer. I was a little more down when I thought about how I probably won't even see some of the people I was closest friends with over the year. You know who you are. I may have been an asshole. Oh well. People fuck up. Deal with it. Grudges bring everyone down.

It feels a lot like last summer down here already, except when I read people's away messages from back home. I've got friends who are mad at me, friends who won't talk or spend time with me unless I egg them on, and friends who have faded into not being friends at all. You know what catagory you're in, but I won't name names. It makes me sad to think about how things have changed. How everyone has changed, but when I'm here, I feel like the same person I did last year. I just wish I could have the same relationships with the old crowd. I'd like to talk about getting cocked on the beach, ice cream, stupid meaningless drama I wasn't involved in, and shit like that. Thinking about last year makes me smile.

The cape is nice. No drama. I'm happy even though I read something that'd normally make me jealous. Work is pretty much the same. Me and James are designated weedwackers, which kind of blows but whatever. I should hang out with James and get wasted some night. Yeahhhhhh that'd be nice.

The one thing that totally gets me ripshit this year though, is that there are no more mainstreets. So gay.

So please, if everyone could be chill and act normal, I'd appreciate it.

Everything's been a little blurry lately. Blurry is never good. Graduation is tomorrow. Fuck. Graduation is technically today. Not something I'm really looking forward to. Ah well. Shit happens. I need not worry about it. It'll all straighten out eventually.

*Mental Note* Try to keep in mind what's really important.

It's all over. It stings with happiness. It's hard to describe. All these memories comming back. All that pain. All the happiness. But more so the pain, it was so much of my life. It cuts harder, deeper, and has a longer lasting effect, than the good times. The good times are shallow and they bring temporary laughter, but the pain lasts forever. The scars don't go away. You can't just break habbits of insercurity. Eventually you outgrow it, but that takes lifetimes.

It's so strange to have gone from freshman year to where I am now. I remember the first day of freshman year. A senior, I have no idea what his name is, said that psychology should only be offered to upperclassmen, like it is, because you think totally different than you would as a freshman. I knew what he said was probably true, but I didn't comprehend it. I couldn't. Those are totally different things. To know and understand. Totally different. I understand now.

To go from having hardly any self-esteem and confidence my freshman year, to where I am now... wow. Freshman year sucked. I was a pussy. That's about it. I don't even remember my summer that year. It was insignifigant. Sophmore year I came around somewhat. I went into a depression. That summer was awful. I was attention seeking, but by the end of it I had come around to a point. Junior year was about the time I opened up. But I can't even sum up this last year. It's gone downhill so much, but I'm comming around again. I hope.

I spent a good year getting over a girl I barely knew, but at the same time knew her so well. I've spent a year and a half trying to be with a girl that loves me like a brother. All I can do is sigh, smile, and look back at all the good times.

Well I'd like to think it was all worth the while, but that's not me. No. I've always been a pessimist. And who can blame me? The world's a waste and we sit around and call each other trifle and dramatists. What's the bigger picture? What's this big bad world all about? I'll tell you. It doesn't matter. Not a little bit. People spend lifetimes building theories, expanding the mind, exploring what's never been explored, just to die and rot in the ground. Eventually your flesh decomposes into dirt that nurtures a tree that some other fool eats the fruit off of. The only things in life that matter are the last things we hold in the back of our minds when we kick the bucket. Who cares about string theory? Who cares about a fucking space shuttle to mars? The only things that matter are those emotions you end with. The only things that are eternal are those that are intangible, and that's a stretch.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we live day to day and that's what's really important in life. Good day or bad day. I guess you could say everything is intangible. Even intangible friends. We make or break ourselves as a collective whole, and society fails at it. We can just hold on to what we love and hope we make a difference.

I can just sit and wonder and be a total hypocrite, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to go.

It's all the same. We find ourselves rebelling against mediocrity and find ourself in a new wave of dumb rebellious youth almost as stupid as the general pop-fanatical simpleton, except we are more intolerant. Which is worse I ask myself? It's just the same youth culture shit. Every time we open our mouths we shit all over ourselves. We're such hypocrites it hurts.

I don't see a reason to complain or take any sort of rebellious act unless we're being physically threatened by the government. And that's the beauty of America. Despite the fact of the social biases and idiomatic media that our culture throws at us, we still have a lot more freedoms then most countries around the world. There's no denying that. The problem with our country is our culture, though. We've become so used to being free that we've become fat,lazy, unproductive, and, worst of all, righteous and opinionated.

How does a country of such fat fucks have the nerve to run the world? The truth of the matter is once the rest of the world commercially catches up to the United States, we will no longer be a superpower. We will crash and burn just like the Roman empire except not nearly as hard considering we don't have huns at our gate. But when you think about it, we're already being overrun by Japan in the technology department. China and a lot of other Asian countries make everything we use. America has just become a crossroads of sorts and once the rest of the world figures out how to do things commercially on their own, our place in the world will fall back. We won't be nearly as rich and powerful. Game over America. Blame the hippies if you'd like, but freedom of thought has it's prices, and American commercialism will pay for it.

Smoke pot. Smoke pot. Everybody smoke pot.

You are striving to make favorable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbors are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.

Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavor but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.

Pretty much dead on except for the part about being wrong. I'm wrong all the time.

Ever become so familiar to a place you fail to notice certain things about the place? You see something you never thought about, then it either, ruins it for you, makes it better, or has no effect. Very strange how that works. Very much the same with people. Except the little bastards change all the time. It's too hard to become familiar with anyone now a days. Then there are defensive mechanisms to cover up any sort of genuineness a person can have. We are pathetic as a society when we can't even recognize those closest to us as a functioning part of ourselves. Pa-fucking-thetic.

There are rare moments when people let their guard down and you can see their true side. Usually a vulnerable side. Everyone's had one of those special moments when you make eye contact and you just know what the other person is thinking. Or at least you think so. Make eye contact and nothing else going on matters at all. It's a beautiful thing. It's a shame that change and inconsideration dash those moments into the ground. It's those fucking defensive mechanisms.

I once had a friend who I could share anything with and vice versa. We knew each other so well we could read each others minds and finish each other's sentences. The compassion I had for sharing such trust is still there, but it's changed. The more I think about it, there was nothing solid there. Basically we were just pen pals. The fact that we didn't know each other in the first place and made such a random connection made it seem to be fate. Fate is bullshit. Fate is a traitor. If you believe in fate you will be emotionally crushed.

Isn't that what love is? You make a connection through everyone's bullshit and you can just see right through their eyes into what matters. It's nothing about physical attraction, but understanding. Companionship. Genuine trust. Crushing skulls. Sorry, had to throw something manly in there I was sounding too gay for myself.

I need some THC. I feel like I'm ratting on and making no sense. Details, but no big picture. I always miss the big picture.

There are insane people and idiots. There are different levels of insanity.

There are so many songs written by Kurt Cobain. Most songs are short and jumbled. It's as though he could never convey how he truly felt and he felt compelled to write more. Or he was just in it for the money, but that doesn't seem logical since he splattered his brains all over the room above his garage.

Poor fool. You'll learn a lesson eventually. I hope.

We put the Ush in Lush.

I've come to the conslusion that it's best to never approach anyone with anything. Except those who are closest to you. Even simple stuff like conversations or quick questions should be kept thoughts until approached by someone else. It's better to be quiet and observant than jump to conclusions. Besides, you see who really likes you or not this way.

Looking for understanding. My brain hurts. Or maybe it's form last night. The cigars. The booze. My lungs feel like I breathed in acid. Where did the time go last night? It's like a blur now. Hahahahhaha such a fucked up night. So random. So funny. Nights like those make Northbridge enjoyable. Tolerable is a better word. Tolerable.

A random thought in my insomnia..

You see the worst in people in the best situations and the best of people in the worst situations. It just seems like one of life's goldren rules. There are boundaries that need to be established to show a persons true potential. You need the person to experience exuberance to see how crappy they can be in their inconsideration for others. You need a tragedy to show how awesome and generous they can be. From there you need to decide on what part of the spectrum their personality lies on. A normal person will bounce around between. They're just nitwits. The best people always seem to expect something awful to happen. The special ones always seem to have something wrong with them, but they're the only people worth knowing. The rest of humanity are just invalids with names attached.

Goodnight with love.

Ever since I gave my oral presentation in De Jong on Thursday, it has felt as though a burden has been liften off my shoulders. I'm almost certain I'm going to pass that class, and it feels nice to not have to worry. Why does something so shallow and meaningless like Senoir English bother me so much? I guess because it depends on where I'll be this summer or next year. I certainly don't want summer school. And I certainly don't want to repeat this year again. An most of all, I don't want to be in this god-forsaken town any longer than I have to be.

So much is always on my mind it's hard to decide what is important enough to keep in my conscious thought. What should I even bother thinking about? What is worthy of my time?

Today sucked for the most part. School blew. After school was boring. Came home, worked out. That was probably the best part of the day. Took a shower, went over Colt's and then nothing pretty much. Drove around. No call from Shannon or Brittany or anything. Boring night. At least I didn't waste some $250 on going to Worcester to be pissed off all night. So all in all, a better night than it could have been.

In my endless amounts of work, I'm taking the time to update. I think at this point I've lost all ability to concentrate. It really sucks. That god damn research paper was such a bitch. I need a break for a little bit. I need a good night of sleep. Ugh.

Today I thought about driving myself into a tree. My legs went numb, because mentally, I really considered doing it. I probably couldn't have physically made myself do it if I had wanted to, but that doesn't matter. It's just the thought of it that matters. What I've always believed is that it's the person that determines their own mental health, but lately it seems the environment for me. I can be at the cape for a week and be so much happier and come back here for a few days and feel like shit. I've been writing for an hour now, but I still don't feel satisfied. I would only feel satified now if the only person that means anything to me would talk to me and cheer me up. Is this what it's come down to? That there's only one person left that means anything to me?

I vented for an hour today by writing. Then I took the jealous innate rambling part of it and deleted it. That part of me needs to be deleted. It's that irrational monster part of me that gets me in trouble. How can I allow myself to lose so much control? I've figured out my best way to overcome that empty side of me. Just get away from everyone and any form of comunication and just write. Then read it back to myself. I can see the horrible irrationality of it and it puts me to shame. I shock myself with my idiocy. You can see that after a while my logic comes back to me. I can see the point where I have the epiphany that I shouldn't have needed to have. I need to take the time to get past that bad side of me. It's unappealing and destructive.

I'm getting pulled into that "good old times" nostalgic place. I think I'll go take a shower and think about last summer at the cape. Most of those memories have become jaded. I only have pictures now and a couple video clips. The high water mark was Christmas, since then, most of my friendships have gone downhill. Only one of those is salvagable. The only one that matters to me.